god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
