I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
30 People Reveal The Moment They Realized: ‘Oh Sh*t, I’m An A**hole’
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
30 Tiny Celebrity Tattoos You’ll Want To Run Out And Copy ASAP
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
