I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
