Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
