The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think a kid would responsible me up
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
