In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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