FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
