twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
