I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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