Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
