He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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