I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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