I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
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dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
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My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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