I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
this boner is exhausting
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
