dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
