Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
