have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
