If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Can you repeat that, but with context?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
