Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I will be naked everywhere
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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