I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
