I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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