I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
