The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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