I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
