My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
