We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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