I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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