I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
