Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
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