We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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