My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
