I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
