Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
