my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
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He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
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I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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