I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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