Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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