You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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