Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
