Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
