Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
