I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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