i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
