My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
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