It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
