Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
