i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
