She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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