ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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