I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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