And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
