There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
