I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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