The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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