Just mADE A PArabola og urine
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
