Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
