I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Randomize
