Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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