Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
