I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
