i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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