my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
